One of the hardest things about living in a dysfunctional family environment is truly understanding that you are, indeed, in a dysfunctional family. That is the reality. That is the situation you are in, and that you may have to deal with for the rest of your life. That’s a hard fact to accept. Of course, no family is perfect, no relationship is perfect, and no single human being is perfect, that’s obvious, but when you spend so much of your time and your life in re-occurring situations are that unstable and unhealthy you forget that that isn’t everyone’s reality. You tend to forget about everything around you and focus only on your situation, because that’s what you’ve been exposed to the most, and especially if no one close to you know what’s happening or they’ve never experienced situations like you have, it’s hard to remember that fact. And it’s not so much of an “Oh my God, my life is so tragic” but it’s almost reassuring remembering. When things get really difficult and you feel really down and you feel trapped and you feel abandoned and all these chaotic things are going on around you and all you hear are all this negativity, it’s hard not to drown in that. It’s comforting to remember, it’s okay if things are hard, they get hard, they’re going to get hard, and there’s nothing you can do about it because this is what you’re dealing with right now and that’s expected. It’s okay to feel down, you’re dealing with people who are very negative and you’re on your own most of the time and you don’t really have anyone supportive and nurturing to go to, and that’s okay. I think when you’re dealing with a turbulent family life it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and there are so many mixed emotions and feelings that come along with a life like that. There’s also an insane amount of guilt that comes along with problems like that. I think it’s normal to feel so responsible for situations going on and to feel like you’re not enough and you’re wrong and that you’re part of the cause, so it’s so reassuring to know that it’s not all you, it’s not your fault, and that you are doing the best you can in these un-normally hard situations. It is a hard situation. It is a tough thing to go through. Especially when it’s your family. These are life long battles, life long issues that you’re going to have to work at everyday. You’re going to go through bad times, bad days and bad weeks, and it’s okay to feel all of that because this is what you’re being put through and just because you’re going through something doesn’t mean that that is going to be forever, or that it’s because of you, or even that you’re going to become that. When you don’t have somebody who’s going through such rough, traumatic experiences, it’s hard for others to understand what it’s like and all the daily battles and tribulations you must endure and have endured, but remembering that you’re in a abnormal situation gives you so much closure, and it allows the pressure to be taken off you a little bit, and to breathe, and to feel like you’re going to make it through this. I’m not sure if any of this made sense, but it’s really, really, really hard going through things like this and it is going to be a daily battle and it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, but I deserve more and I deserve a happy, safe, comfortable, supportive, loving environment, and so does every other person, and no matter how hard things get, or how bad I may feel, that is what keeps me going forward because I want to make it through this and I want to better myself and better my life and not have to continue living in an environment like this forever.

They’re supposed to be the ones that love you, comfort you, are there for you no matter what. They’re always supposed to help you grow, be there when you need them, encourage you, protect you and help you become the person you were meant to be. My parents do none of that. Even though this is our relationship and has been since I can remember that doesn’t make it hurt any less. If anything, I’m just more and more and more sick of it. This negative energy kills me. I don’t want to be around negative people who constantly belittle me and have nothing postive or nice to say about me. After a while, no matter how strong or confident you are, that will end up ruining your view of yourself.

Seriously though, there’s a fucking lizard hiding in my room and my mind is going crazy. What if it’s in my clothes, physically in them, so when I put it on I feel it crawling all over my body? What if it’s in my bed? What if it’s in my sheets? What if it’s crawling all over my body at night while I sleep? What it gets tangled all up in my hair? What if it’s in my makeup? Literally, I can’t handle it. It’s been three days and I’m so mentally exhausted. I’m not that much of an emotionally person, but I swear I’m on the verge of major tears.